I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate what I'm turning into. I wake up everyday feeling what the hell am I doing here? My relationship with my sister is on the verge of going completely downhill and I don't think I am interested in reviving it back because I can't fight against two people anymore. I'm losing hair and its affecting me in a very big way. I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like doing anything. At 25 I don't need this. Why did I choose this? And why did I become a victim of someone else's circumstances? This is not how I live my life, I live (or lived) my life like everyday is its last because life is too short.But it seems never ending right now. Did I mention I hate my job and I hate the fact I have to be thankful to someone for having giving it to me because I didn't get it on my own. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling of being dominated and grateful because you have to and not because you want to.
Should I go back? My mum for the first time in her life mentioned she is alone and she misses me and wants me to find a partner back home so that I can go back and be near them. I miss her so much that I cannot put it down in words about how I feel about her. A sibling or a friend or a cousin can never replace what your mum can provide to you.
I have the worlds best boyfriend in the world, who is being dragged into this blackhole with me, because I don't know what the hell happened to me along the way. I have friends who care about me, care about me so much so when my sister went through loss, they came and supported me. They didn't have to.
I think too much, I care far too much, I cry too much.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Twilight Eclipse - Jessica's graduation speech
The second best speech after Brook's speech in One Tree Hill when she campaigns for student body president.
Jessica's speech -
“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our things were answers like astronaut, president, or in my case, princess… When we were ten, they asked us again. We answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist… But now that we’ve grown up, they want a more serious answer. Well, how about this… Who the hell knows? This isn’t a time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… We won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”
Brooke Davis's speech from One Tree Hill - 213 - THE HERO DIES IN THIS ONE
I guess it’s easier to see what we want, than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don’t. And that means you don’t know what I can do. You see me as someone who’s popular and has all the answers. That’s not true. I may not always know what I’m doing but I’ll try make things better. And when I make a mistake because face it, we all do I promise I’ll ask for your help. I can’t do this alone But if you’ll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise, if you believe in me, I’ll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said the courage of life is a magnificent mixture triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures and that is the basis of all morality.
Jessica's speech -
“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our things were answers like astronaut, president, or in my case, princess… When we were ten, they asked us again. We answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist… But now that we’ve grown up, they want a more serious answer. Well, how about this… Who the hell knows? This isn’t a time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… We won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”
Brooke Davis's speech from One Tree Hill - 213 - THE HERO DIES IN THIS ONE
I guess it’s easier to see what we want, than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don’t. And that means you don’t know what I can do. You see me as someone who’s popular and has all the answers. That’s not true. I may not always know what I’m doing but I’ll try make things better. And when I make a mistake because face it, we all do I promise I’ll ask for your help. I can’t do this alone But if you’ll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise, if you believe in me, I’ll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said the courage of life is a magnificent mixture triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures and that is the basis of all morality.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Be careful what you wish for...
Suddenly everything seems perfect. I could not ask for more, behind every doing is a reason and I think I've already found mine. I am surprised at how soon I got the answer to the question I was looking for. But then I don't think this time I was really looking for an answer - And yet I found it as soon as I did.
So maybe its because the universe wanted to pull me back to my dream. I was losing track of what I really wanted from life. I was giving into someone else's dream. It was not my dream to live and I knew that since the beginning. A friend of mine told me to mourn because she thought I wasn't going through the process as it should be. And I did. I mourned but only for a day. I cried 5 months in 2 hours. And felt everything moving inside of me. The hardest part was trying to forget the good stuff. Because this time I had more of good than the bad. But what I learnt in those 2 hours of solitary mourning was 5 months of a person in and out. What I already knew surfaced itself to my realization. This was not my dream to live. This was not my person to be with. This was someone whose prescence gave me immense happiness but since the very beginning created a doubt of my dream in my being. The universe plays silly childish games with you. It laughs at you because it knows exactly what you are feeling on the inside but are just afraid to show it.
I had a dream in which I was standing against an entire Universe every planet, galaxy, star was present there -. I can't put a name to it because for me its something completely unfathomable. And every sentence used to describe it would be a mere understatement. These objects can read your mind without you ever even realizing it. They can somehow anticipate every move you wish to make before you even think about it. They work so quick that they anticipate and process your demands at the same time working with multitudes of energies around the world through time and space. They have the power to process your every thought and nothing is impossible for them. They work with only one goal which is to give you what you ever wished for or what you will wish for in the future. They defy time as you know it.
In my dream they already knew what I was feeling. They told me they gave me what I had wished for years ago. What I had wished and wondered 'would be like', they granted my wish for my sake because I asked for it not necessarily knowing if it was good or bad for me (we never know that). But they made it happen.
They had already worked on what I dream of and whats truly mine.
Life as we know it is pretty simple, you just have to wish for it to try it.
So maybe its because the universe wanted to pull me back to my dream. I was losing track of what I really wanted from life. I was giving into someone else's dream. It was not my dream to live and I knew that since the beginning. A friend of mine told me to mourn because she thought I wasn't going through the process as it should be. And I did. I mourned but only for a day. I cried 5 months in 2 hours. And felt everything moving inside of me. The hardest part was trying to forget the good stuff. Because this time I had more of good than the bad. But what I learnt in those 2 hours of solitary mourning was 5 months of a person in and out. What I already knew surfaced itself to my realization. This was not my dream to live. This was not my person to be with. This was someone whose prescence gave me immense happiness but since the very beginning created a doubt of my dream in my being. The universe plays silly childish games with you. It laughs at you because it knows exactly what you are feeling on the inside but are just afraid to show it.
I had a dream in which I was standing against an entire Universe every planet, galaxy, star was present there -. I can't put a name to it because for me its something completely unfathomable. And every sentence used to describe it would be a mere understatement. These objects can read your mind without you ever even realizing it. They can somehow anticipate every move you wish to make before you even think about it. They work so quick that they anticipate and process your demands at the same time working with multitudes of energies around the world through time and space. They have the power to process your every thought and nothing is impossible for them. They work with only one goal which is to give you what you ever wished for or what you will wish for in the future. They defy time as you know it.
In my dream they already knew what I was feeling. They told me they gave me what I had wished for years ago. What I had wished and wondered 'would be like', they granted my wish for my sake because I asked for it not necessarily knowing if it was good or bad for me (we never know that). But they made it happen.
They had already worked on what I dream of and whats truly mine.
Life as we know it is pretty simple, you just have to wish for it to try it.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
All good things come to an end...
Its true...I often tried not to think of this line but its funny when reality comes and slaps you in the face.
I don't really know how I feel at the moment...Its more like 'Same !"£$ different person' for me from now on.
Should I regret the moments we made? Should I regret the fact that I did not listen to my intuition and gave in much too soon? That I finally thought I could be happy and content with someone? That all those stereotypes I had built up for myself and against relationships were all out to prove me wrong? I was happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying? Is too much happiness a bad thing? Too much optimism blinds us from seeing what is real or what could be avoided.
Its too late now, but subconsiously I always sort of predicted this so I should not really mourn about this, considering somewhere deep down I always prepared for this to happen, lets face it love and me don't go together.
We have a sort of a love and hate relationship in which hate seems to dominate. I did not need to learn another lesson to prove my own theories right. But I did. I feel helpess with a lack of control over my own life which is really pathetic for a 24 yr old to say. I don't want to consume my heart with hate again but my mind does not seem to listen. Its too late already...
I don't really know how I feel at the moment...Its more like 'Same !"£$ different person' for me from now on.
Should I regret the moments we made? Should I regret the fact that I did not listen to my intuition and gave in much too soon? That I finally thought I could be happy and content with someone? That all those stereotypes I had built up for myself and against relationships were all out to prove me wrong? I was happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying? Is too much happiness a bad thing? Too much optimism blinds us from seeing what is real or what could be avoided.
Its too late now, but subconsiously I always sort of predicted this so I should not really mourn about this, considering somewhere deep down I always prepared for this to happen, lets face it love and me don't go together.
We have a sort of a love and hate relationship in which hate seems to dominate. I did not need to learn another lesson to prove my own theories right. But I did. I feel helpess with a lack of control over my own life which is really pathetic for a 24 yr old to say. I don't want to consume my heart with hate again but my mind does not seem to listen. Its too late already...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Singledom - state of mind?
Singledom vs Coupledom. I often wonder what defines individuals as 'a couple'. Not a very frequent visitor of this expedition, I suffer (yes i mean SUFFER because that's how it ends up being always) from a lack of comprehension and a utter case of turning into a psychopath and my worst nightmare come true.
I've never worked well in this situation, it encompasses a complete 360 shift in my being and from what i 'normally' envision of myself. I don't understand emotions, well that's because most of time I never really need them hence do not understand their use. And being with another person, who you think you're attached to, attracted to, have feelings for, it in inevitable that they tend to crop up here and there. And crop up a bit too much id say. The explanation for which I've stated already.
I can be your best friend, make close to perfect choices for my life, be independent, individualistic, free spirited, ambitious, fun when I'm all by myself.
I do not understand the need for being together, because i still have not understood what togetherness stands for. I don't want to lose out on who I am and yet failing everytime I've quite mastered the art of doing so. And that's why when a third person sees me they cannot imagine me being one of those psycho paths that I turn into , in a relationship, but I do. I do not understand the cat and mouse chase, the emotions, feelings, logic when it comes to picking these in a given scenario which involves a second person, first being you of course. And most of all I don't understand the word 'compromise' and 'adjust' because it is my life and I wish rather demand to live it the way I want to without having to please anyone at the risk of losing yourself or 'sacrificing' as they call it.
It obviously comes from a feeling of being in control, which always leaves me completely helpless with another involved. The part of being physical with emotions and all that jazz just never made sense or took enough priority in my life. I can safely say been there done that and I don't find an incessant need for that because I can quite comfortably live without it, without having a relationship to hold for all those needs.
So I can safely say, I always enjoyed and favoured who I am without anyone because I truly love my life and everyone around me without needing someone to need me.
I've never worked well in this situation, it encompasses a complete 360 shift in my being and from what i 'normally' envision of myself. I don't understand emotions, well that's because most of time I never really need them hence do not understand their use. And being with another person, who you think you're attached to, attracted to, have feelings for, it in inevitable that they tend to crop up here and there. And crop up a bit too much id say. The explanation for which I've stated already.
I can be your best friend, make close to perfect choices for my life, be independent, individualistic, free spirited, ambitious, fun when I'm all by myself.
I do not understand the need for being together, because i still have not understood what togetherness stands for. I don't want to lose out on who I am and yet failing everytime I've quite mastered the art of doing so. And that's why when a third person sees me they cannot imagine me being one of those psycho paths that I turn into , in a relationship, but I do. I do not understand the cat and mouse chase, the emotions, feelings, logic when it comes to picking these in a given scenario which involves a second person, first being you of course. And most of all I don't understand the word 'compromise' and 'adjust' because it is my life and I wish rather demand to live it the way I want to without having to please anyone at the risk of losing yourself or 'sacrificing' as they call it.
It obviously comes from a feeling of being in control, which always leaves me completely helpless with another involved. The part of being physical with emotions and all that jazz just never made sense or took enough priority in my life. I can safely say been there done that and I don't find an incessant need for that because I can quite comfortably live without it, without having a relationship to hold for all those needs.
So I can safely say, I always enjoyed and favoured who I am without anyone because I truly love my life and everyone around me without needing someone to need me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Gratitude
It is so easy to get caught in the web of life or circumstances,routine our life and being utterly and completely selfish. How often do we actually look back and thank life and the people who came along the way and contributed in their own way into making us what we are today? How easy is it for us to be ungrateful of what life brings to us rather than thanking everyone who is etched into our very own being and soul of the person that we are right now at this very moment. My state of mind right now? - Happy and Thankful to these people without who i would not be who i am today.
My sister - for opening up a world of knowledge to me, sharing and believing that I too had the potential despite the generation gap we hold and never easily giving up on me with the excuse of me being immature. My father - for making me believe in my individuality and that I had the potential to realize every dream i dreamt and constantly supporting me in helping me make all my dreams come true. My mother - for never judging me by the company I held and placing a blinding trust in me. Never ever giving up on me despite my shortcomings and being the greatest support without being ashamed of the mistakes her daughter made.
My best friend for showing me how to live life and enjoy every moment and to value friendships and relationships. For being by my side, being the guy in my life when I needed one and making me realize life is too short to be anything but happy.Oh and opening up a whole world of illegal and immoral things to me and savouring the goodness they contain ;)
My oldest childhood buddy - for listening to me through my constant moments of pmsing, being my partner in crime, making me realize my own potential I had as a human being. And for being utterly patient. For laughing with me without anyone else around us understanding a word of our conversation, whiling away time, sitting next to me without uttering a word and making me feel completely understood in those moments of silence.
My sister - for opening up a world of knowledge to me, sharing and believing that I too had the potential despite the generation gap we hold and never easily giving up on me with the excuse of me being immature. My father - for making me believe in my individuality and that I had the potential to realize every dream i dreamt and constantly supporting me in helping me make all my dreams come true. My mother - for never judging me by the company I held and placing a blinding trust in me. Never ever giving up on me despite my shortcomings and being the greatest support without being ashamed of the mistakes her daughter made.
My best friend for showing me how to live life and enjoy every moment and to value friendships and relationships. For being by my side, being the guy in my life when I needed one and making me realize life is too short to be anything but happy.Oh and opening up a whole world of illegal and immoral things to me and savouring the goodness they contain ;)
My oldest childhood buddy - for listening to me through my constant moments of pmsing, being my partner in crime, making me realize my own potential I had as a human being. And for being utterly patient. For laughing with me without anyone else around us understanding a word of our conversation, whiling away time, sitting next to me without uttering a word and making me feel completely understood in those moments of silence.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Forever is a paradox
Forever is a concept of NOW, the very present moment.
Forver is 'a moment of eternity' - Ironic? yes.
Forever is not measured by the promise of the future it swears to live by or the extra number of seconds, hours, weeks, months or years it consists of. It is because so very often we experience 'forever' in just a split second. The feeling of forever is contained in that powerful moment which makes you believe you are capable of just about anything and the world is yours to conqueor. It is ironic - how a word that talks about spanning over a vast frame of time only lasts for as long as you make it.
Like they say nothing lasts forever!
Forver is 'a moment of eternity' - Ironic? yes.
Forever is not measured by the promise of the future it swears to live by or the extra number of seconds, hours, weeks, months or years it consists of. It is because so very often we experience 'forever' in just a split second. The feeling of forever is contained in that powerful moment which makes you believe you are capable of just about anything and the world is yours to conqueor. It is ironic - how a word that talks about spanning over a vast frame of time only lasts for as long as you make it.
Like they say nothing lasts forever!
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