Suddenly everything seems perfect. I could not ask for more, behind every doing is a reason and I think I've already found mine. I am surprised at how soon I got the answer to the question I was looking for. But then I don't think this time I was really looking for an answer - And yet I found it as soon as I did.
So maybe its because the universe wanted to pull me back to my dream. I was losing track of what I really wanted from life. I was giving into someone else's dream. It was not my dream to live and I knew that since the beginning. A friend of mine told me to mourn because she thought I wasn't going through the process as it should be. And I did. I mourned but only for a day. I cried 5 months in 2 hours. And felt everything moving inside of me. The hardest part was trying to forget the good stuff. Because this time I had more of good than the bad. But what I learnt in those 2 hours of solitary mourning was 5 months of a person in and out. What I already knew surfaced itself to my realization. This was not my dream to live. This was not my person to be with. This was someone whose prescence gave me immense happiness but since the very beginning created a doubt of my dream in my being. The universe plays silly childish games with you. It laughs at you because it knows exactly what you are feeling on the inside but are just afraid to show it.
I had a dream in which I was standing against an entire Universe every planet, galaxy, star was present there -. I can't put a name to it because for me its something completely unfathomable. And every sentence used to describe it would be a mere understatement. These objects can read your mind without you ever even realizing it. They can somehow anticipate every move you wish to make before you even think about it. They work so quick that they anticipate and process your demands at the same time working with multitudes of energies around the world through time and space. They have the power to process your every thought and nothing is impossible for them. They work with only one goal which is to give you what you ever wished for or what you will wish for in the future. They defy time as you know it.
In my dream they already knew what I was feeling. They told me they gave me what I had wished for years ago. What I had wished and wondered 'would be like', they granted my wish for my sake because I asked for it not necessarily knowing if it was good or bad for me (we never know that). But they made it happen.
They had already worked on what I dream of and whats truly mine.
Life as we know it is pretty simple, you just have to wish for it to try it.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
All good things come to an end...
Its true...I often tried not to think of this line but its funny when reality comes and slaps you in the face.
I don't really know how I feel at the moment...Its more like 'Same !"£$ different person' for me from now on.
Should I regret the moments we made? Should I regret the fact that I did not listen to my intuition and gave in much too soon? That I finally thought I could be happy and content with someone? That all those stereotypes I had built up for myself and against relationships were all out to prove me wrong? I was happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying? Is too much happiness a bad thing? Too much optimism blinds us from seeing what is real or what could be avoided.
Its too late now, but subconsiously I always sort of predicted this so I should not really mourn about this, considering somewhere deep down I always prepared for this to happen, lets face it love and me don't go together.
We have a sort of a love and hate relationship in which hate seems to dominate. I did not need to learn another lesson to prove my own theories right. But I did. I feel helpess with a lack of control over my own life which is really pathetic for a 24 yr old to say. I don't want to consume my heart with hate again but my mind does not seem to listen. Its too late already...
I don't really know how I feel at the moment...Its more like 'Same !"£$ different person' for me from now on.
Should I regret the moments we made? Should I regret the fact that I did not listen to my intuition and gave in much too soon? That I finally thought I could be happy and content with someone? That all those stereotypes I had built up for myself and against relationships were all out to prove me wrong? I was happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying? Is too much happiness a bad thing? Too much optimism blinds us from seeing what is real or what could be avoided.
Its too late now, but subconsiously I always sort of predicted this so I should not really mourn about this, considering somewhere deep down I always prepared for this to happen, lets face it love and me don't go together.
We have a sort of a love and hate relationship in which hate seems to dominate. I did not need to learn another lesson to prove my own theories right. But I did. I feel helpess with a lack of control over my own life which is really pathetic for a 24 yr old to say. I don't want to consume my heart with hate again but my mind does not seem to listen. Its too late already...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Singledom - state of mind?
Singledom vs Coupledom. I often wonder what defines individuals as 'a couple'. Not a very frequent visitor of this expedition, I suffer (yes i mean SUFFER because that's how it ends up being always) from a lack of comprehension and a utter case of turning into a psychopath and my worst nightmare come true.
I've never worked well in this situation, it encompasses a complete 360 shift in my being and from what i 'normally' envision of myself. I don't understand emotions, well that's because most of time I never really need them hence do not understand their use. And being with another person, who you think you're attached to, attracted to, have feelings for, it in inevitable that they tend to crop up here and there. And crop up a bit too much id say. The explanation for which I've stated already.
I can be your best friend, make close to perfect choices for my life, be independent, individualistic, free spirited, ambitious, fun when I'm all by myself.
I do not understand the need for being together, because i still have not understood what togetherness stands for. I don't want to lose out on who I am and yet failing everytime I've quite mastered the art of doing so. And that's why when a third person sees me they cannot imagine me being one of those psycho paths that I turn into , in a relationship, but I do. I do not understand the cat and mouse chase, the emotions, feelings, logic when it comes to picking these in a given scenario which involves a second person, first being you of course. And most of all I don't understand the word 'compromise' and 'adjust' because it is my life and I wish rather demand to live it the way I want to without having to please anyone at the risk of losing yourself or 'sacrificing' as they call it.
It obviously comes from a feeling of being in control, which always leaves me completely helpless with another involved. The part of being physical with emotions and all that jazz just never made sense or took enough priority in my life. I can safely say been there done that and I don't find an incessant need for that because I can quite comfortably live without it, without having a relationship to hold for all those needs.
So I can safely say, I always enjoyed and favoured who I am without anyone because I truly love my life and everyone around me without needing someone to need me.
I've never worked well in this situation, it encompasses a complete 360 shift in my being and from what i 'normally' envision of myself. I don't understand emotions, well that's because most of time I never really need them hence do not understand their use. And being with another person, who you think you're attached to, attracted to, have feelings for, it in inevitable that they tend to crop up here and there. And crop up a bit too much id say. The explanation for which I've stated already.
I can be your best friend, make close to perfect choices for my life, be independent, individualistic, free spirited, ambitious, fun when I'm all by myself.
I do not understand the need for being together, because i still have not understood what togetherness stands for. I don't want to lose out on who I am and yet failing everytime I've quite mastered the art of doing so. And that's why when a third person sees me they cannot imagine me being one of those psycho paths that I turn into , in a relationship, but I do. I do not understand the cat and mouse chase, the emotions, feelings, logic when it comes to picking these in a given scenario which involves a second person, first being you of course. And most of all I don't understand the word 'compromise' and 'adjust' because it is my life and I wish rather demand to live it the way I want to without having to please anyone at the risk of losing yourself or 'sacrificing' as they call it.
It obviously comes from a feeling of being in control, which always leaves me completely helpless with another involved. The part of being physical with emotions and all that jazz just never made sense or took enough priority in my life. I can safely say been there done that and I don't find an incessant need for that because I can quite comfortably live without it, without having a relationship to hold for all those needs.
So I can safely say, I always enjoyed and favoured who I am without anyone because I truly love my life and everyone around me without needing someone to need me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Gratitude
It is so easy to get caught in the web of life or circumstances,routine our life and being utterly and completely selfish. How often do we actually look back and thank life and the people who came along the way and contributed in their own way into making us what we are today? How easy is it for us to be ungrateful of what life brings to us rather than thanking everyone who is etched into our very own being and soul of the person that we are right now at this very moment. My state of mind right now? - Happy and Thankful to these people without who i would not be who i am today.
My sister - for opening up a world of knowledge to me, sharing and believing that I too had the potential despite the generation gap we hold and never easily giving up on me with the excuse of me being immature. My father - for making me believe in my individuality and that I had the potential to realize every dream i dreamt and constantly supporting me in helping me make all my dreams come true. My mother - for never judging me by the company I held and placing a blinding trust in me. Never ever giving up on me despite my shortcomings and being the greatest support without being ashamed of the mistakes her daughter made.
My best friend for showing me how to live life and enjoy every moment and to value friendships and relationships. For being by my side, being the guy in my life when I needed one and making me realize life is too short to be anything but happy.Oh and opening up a whole world of illegal and immoral things to me and savouring the goodness they contain ;)
My oldest childhood buddy - for listening to me through my constant moments of pmsing, being my partner in crime, making me realize my own potential I had as a human being. And for being utterly patient. For laughing with me without anyone else around us understanding a word of our conversation, whiling away time, sitting next to me without uttering a word and making me feel completely understood in those moments of silence.
My sister - for opening up a world of knowledge to me, sharing and believing that I too had the potential despite the generation gap we hold and never easily giving up on me with the excuse of me being immature. My father - for making me believe in my individuality and that I had the potential to realize every dream i dreamt and constantly supporting me in helping me make all my dreams come true. My mother - for never judging me by the company I held and placing a blinding trust in me. Never ever giving up on me despite my shortcomings and being the greatest support without being ashamed of the mistakes her daughter made.
My best friend for showing me how to live life and enjoy every moment and to value friendships and relationships. For being by my side, being the guy in my life when I needed one and making me realize life is too short to be anything but happy.Oh and opening up a whole world of illegal and immoral things to me and savouring the goodness they contain ;)
My oldest childhood buddy - for listening to me through my constant moments of pmsing, being my partner in crime, making me realize my own potential I had as a human being. And for being utterly patient. For laughing with me without anyone else around us understanding a word of our conversation, whiling away time, sitting next to me without uttering a word and making me feel completely understood in those moments of silence.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Forever is a paradox
Forever is a concept of NOW, the very present moment.
Forver is 'a moment of eternity' - Ironic? yes.
Forever is not measured by the promise of the future it swears to live by or the extra number of seconds, hours, weeks, months or years it consists of. It is because so very often we experience 'forever' in just a split second. The feeling of forever is contained in that powerful moment which makes you believe you are capable of just about anything and the world is yours to conqueor. It is ironic - how a word that talks about spanning over a vast frame of time only lasts for as long as you make it.
Like they say nothing lasts forever!
Forver is 'a moment of eternity' - Ironic? yes.
Forever is not measured by the promise of the future it swears to live by or the extra number of seconds, hours, weeks, months or years it consists of. It is because so very often we experience 'forever' in just a split second. The feeling of forever is contained in that powerful moment which makes you believe you are capable of just about anything and the world is yours to conqueor. It is ironic - how a word that talks about spanning over a vast frame of time only lasts for as long as you make it.
Like they say nothing lasts forever!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
No 'right' or 'wrong'
I've been pondering over this for quite sometime. Its funny how a state of being in drunken/stoned stupor gets your mind thinking and sometimes even leads to making some very profound life changing decisions.
Why were these two words actually invented? So that we continue to justify our own doings against the others? Is it a mode of human defence mechanism, egotism or simply excuses we make when we do not have any answers? How easy is it for us and others to compartmentalize everything into 'right' and 'wrong' based solely on our individual perceptions. The human mind can travel as far as you let it, yet we try and control everything that is contained within and limit ourselves from actually experiencing what it is capable of. Jumping to conclusions based on our own assumptions is far easier than actually viewing everything from a detached perspective. Judging someone is far easier than giving them the benefit of doubt. Its not about values/morals against the right and wrong, because clearly how do you even define those? Everythig is pretty individualistic around us yet we always blind ourselves and continue to bask in our own ignorance pretending and pacifying our egos that we do know the 'best'.
Why is it so difficult for us to separate our reality from the others or even realize there is no such thing as 'REALITY' and everything is indeed what we create in our own mind. If we actually go by this, there is no need to define anything because it all boils down to one thing, which is we make our own definations and live by them.
Why were these two words actually invented? So that we continue to justify our own doings against the others? Is it a mode of human defence mechanism, egotism or simply excuses we make when we do not have any answers? How easy is it for us and others to compartmentalize everything into 'right' and 'wrong' based solely on our individual perceptions. The human mind can travel as far as you let it, yet we try and control everything that is contained within and limit ourselves from actually experiencing what it is capable of. Jumping to conclusions based on our own assumptions is far easier than actually viewing everything from a detached perspective. Judging someone is far easier than giving them the benefit of doubt. Its not about values/morals against the right and wrong, because clearly how do you even define those? Everythig is pretty individualistic around us yet we always blind ourselves and continue to bask in our own ignorance pretending and pacifying our egos that we do know the 'best'.
Why is it so difficult for us to separate our reality from the others or even realize there is no such thing as 'REALITY' and everything is indeed what we create in our own mind. If we actually go by this, there is no need to define anything because it all boils down to one thing, which is we make our own definations and live by them.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Cranky,moody,irritable and its not even that day of the month
No its not...I wish i could put my finger on what it is and then retrack every step i took to get here and quickly erase everything so that i dont end up feeling how i am right now.
Its funny how last week went by - romance i devoured myself in, making myself believe at least this would last. Or not?
I hate how i feel right now, i hate everything around me including myself because i am mad at myself for getting here. Mad at myself for being such a child believing in what everyone else said around me, letting it get to me and for a moment believing maybe it could be different.
But its not, its the same story everytime, they run after you, you run away, then you get close and run after them and they run away. I knew everything in that head of mine yet i shut myself to everything and let life take its control over me. This is exactly what happens when you let go, you lose yourself and you do not know to what.
I want my answers and I demand them.
Its funny how last week went by - romance i devoured myself in, making myself believe at least this would last. Or not?
I hate how i feel right now, i hate everything around me including myself because i am mad at myself for getting here. Mad at myself for being such a child believing in what everyone else said around me, letting it get to me and for a moment believing maybe it could be different.
But its not, its the same story everytime, they run after you, you run away, then you get close and run after them and they run away. I knew everything in that head of mine yet i shut myself to everything and let life take its control over me. This is exactly what happens when you let go, you lose yourself and you do not know to what.
I want my answers and I demand them.
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