Test of time?

Time is a test of faith and faith is a test of survival. Subconsciously so many of us know this deep deep inside of us, yet we wander away by the little trial and tribulations life brings in front of us. It is a debate i am struggling with myself and my inner self off late. I don't know if doing soul searching is a good thing or not but it almost always puts me in this sort of a dilemma of the present world survival and the future of forgiveness. As much as id like to believe in all what great saints have to say, so often we are faced with such choices in which we have to be selfish and unforgiving. And i guess if we were all forgiving and selfless we wouldn't really be here on earth in the first place, paying tribute to our sins and bearing the fruit of our karma past and present would we?

I want to be forgiving, i want to forget, yet how often are we faced with a question of self respect which somewhat borders on the line of egotism. It is a fine line which we have to draw for ourselves and no one else can say or do anythign about it. I've heard people say overcome a situation/circumstance and do not let the situation overcome you, but get real when you actually face shit in your face would you really care about becoming a change/overcoming or would you rather not first think about what YOU want to do at that very moment (revenge is the first word that comes to my mind). I also have to say I was not always like this, a self proclaimed positivist, who often gets swayed by the negativity around her would be a few words to describe me. I don't think constantly thinking about something and blowing a situation out of proportion is the key to solving any problem, but I have a solution which like me is pretty straight forward, its called say it or talk about it. I often find myself pining for this from others as well, because i can't beat around the bush i expect them not to do so either. But then again ive got caught in the web of expectations haven't i? This is also a form of subtle attachement to people, emotions and beings. But what do we do? Like I said earlier if we were all god we wouldn't really be here on earth in the first place rather be dwelling somewhere in heaven or jannat or whatever they call that place of eternal bliss. free of karmic crap which we have weaved for ourselves. I only seek to find certain answers to everyday questions, questions which come and stand in front of me everyday. I feel like a 4 year old child who wants to know the answer to every damn phenomena in this world. My questions are innocent, but the answers complicated which is why it is taking me so long to figure them out, ponder over them, seek them.
I want to find my eutopia

Love? or not

I don't believe in LOVE. I believe its a fancy word which is often just misunderstood for a lot of other things, and even more often the sanctity of the emotion behind the word is just abused.
And yet i don't believe in love. I believe its a state of mind ( I will elaborate on this in my next post)

However I believe in respect. And I believe in relationships, sustaining them. If you see around yourself not all relationships are based on 'love' or whatever that feeling is. And the only way you can be around someone or value your relationship with them is if you have respect for them - the degree of which may vary. (Btw those of you who disagree and believe there are relationships without respect, this topic is not for the likes of two faced human beings out there :p) You don't necessarily love all your family, extended ones, friends, acquintances but you continue to live with them, be around them.

So there is respect and fondness in this world which in my belief if multiplied by 100 with some percentage of attraction constitutes 'love' - between men and woman or man and man or woman n woman (I have to be politically correct here)

As I said I belive love is merely a state of mind, which can easily fizzle out one fine day. But what is more important in life is respect, fondness and relationships and valuing them. Life is short keep people who you value, chuck out the ones who cause you much grief :)

Only when im happy

So i've made a promise to myself. After writing these numerous morbid posts, I will only come back to write once im a little settled and happy with everything around me.

I don't know the reason for my discontent with everything around me. Most of which includes people - all types close friends, acquaintances, relatives, and so on - you get the drift? Yes my soul needs more food and more thinking to be able to reason rationally with everything and more importantly be unaffected by it all. Though this words unaffected always reminds me of the Ostrich Syndrome - bury ur head and you think your problems are gone, living in ignorance ( i despise such beings myself). So will i turn into one of these or will I find the power to deal with it while caring and not ignoring? I'm only 23.

But my soul craves for a lot more. So hopefully the next post shall be more entertaining, fruitful, insightful and happy.

The most haunting time of my life

- Where i actually believed people could change sigh. I'd say 'All bad things come to an end"

Written 30th November 2008 - 15 days new to the workplace.

Will not forgive will not forget
You continued to make a fool of me
While there I believed in something else
My heart bleeds a thousand cuts not for the pain you caused, but because you ran
Ran away from everything, which I thought in my mind you and I were creating

Will not forgive will not forget
Because this time it simply was not hurt but betrayal more betrayal
Which you admitted without any shame and with me to blame
Hate consumes you in the end, and therefore it is not what I will resort to
My heart grows weaker at the sight of you the sound of you,
But what breaks it into pieces, is the thought of what you were capable of
Capable of hurt, betrayal and cheat
You were all I created in the past months, only to know I was living a dream
While you out there were creating your own reality, not with me

Will not forgive will not forget
Because I know if I do
I will only open myself to more hurt and more betrayal
I still continue to love you, because it does not die so soon
The heart always opens itself to the wrong people
But I am not strong enough to deal with this anymore

New glasses new perspective?

So my number's increased a wee bit. And i got myself a pretty funky pair of glasses this time. As insane as it might sound, i feel the new glasses is a metaphor for my sudden (or overtime ya ya) change in perspective in the way i've deliberately decided to view situations. There does come a time in everyone's life where you really stop and re- evaluate every relationship around you. Yeah yeah I'm just 23, but hey life's not what it was at 18 now right? I wonder if these things are supposed to happen or are they just a consequence of one person's action which affects and takes into loop everyone's life around them.

I don't know the answer to that.

But after a lot of pondering and devouring myself into some meditation, i've come to the conclusion yes things are in your hands...no matter how bad a situation can get, your attitude and individual perspective does contribute to a whole lot of difference. I often heard a lot of people talking about 'living for urself' kind of stuff but never comprehended the literal meaning of it, or maybe i took it too literally as being utterly and completely selfish devoid of any emotion and not caring about anyone except yourself. However may i present to you a new member to the same club. Its not about not caring, its just about caring much more for yourself first. Everyone has a purpose in life and which is why we are all here. Man by nature is social but that does not mean you forget your own self and start depending and indulging in everyone else's life for your own existence. Unfortunately life does not give you the opportunity to go back and undo what happened wrong (as much as we live in the 21st? or 22nd? century sorry im pretty bad at this stuff) human beings still have yet to devise something which allows time travel (would be pretty funky tho aye?). So yeah IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU ONCE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LEARN FROM, BUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN ITS A JOKE. And the joke is not on anyone else but yourself, cuz you my friend failed to learn the first time.
There is a purpose for everyone who comes into your life but there is a purpose for your very existence as well. We only learn to be truly free - once we are at peace with ourselves.

I just realized i've finally mastered the art of becoming my very own shrink =)

Conspiracy

It was like a snowball effect. Everything kept rolling together more and more.
Almost as if everything she believed in once, turned against her, or perhaps was never there. The less she tried to think about it , the more it happened. She didn't know what was happening, where to go, who to turn to?
Her beliefs were playing against her. It was like a consipiracy, where everything turned against her.
It broke her from the inside more than she ever knew. The power it had over her, she had never felt until now.
She wanted to close all the doors and windows. Allowing absolutely no one to enter in. She wanted to hide under her blanket forever till it disappeared. But she saw it coming towards her. The more it came closer , the clearer she could see. It was everything she had once - dreams, beliefs, hopes, memories, lives. But they had all decided to turn against her, collectively. She knew not what her fault was. Perhaps if they had been more clear in defining the games of the rules. She never went by rules anyway. She made her own. Perhaps this was payback time.

It came closer and closer, wanting to absorb her , this time she was not strong enough. Her strength was also consipring against her. It had betrayed her like everyone and everything else.

And then it sucked her in absorbed her - like the power of the black hole, unknown into its unfathomable depths.

Over the Years - Quotes

"I see my belief being broken down everyday into tiny pieces of the mirror,
the mirror which once reflected the belief of love in each other,
now cuts my heart and bleeds it with its broken pieces" 2006-10-15

"All i wanted was to talk to you n hear you speak, i wanted ur words to give me some hope or the hope of the joy of our past, the hope for me to move on. But it was your silence which spoke everything and gave me my answers and closure" 2006-08-15

"Life is as complex or simple as we make it.reality lies not in the truth or wat is wrong or right but how is it that u percieve it and wat u make out of it" 2006-05-31

"Sweet memories put a smile on our face n yet leave us yearnin to go bak to where they were made.we forget to live in d moment when they wer being made n only realize wat theyre worth wen its too late" 2006-02-16

"Life u know never know when it leaves u, but death at least u know its gunna be there for u" 2005-08-04

"Im not antisocial, i just need the right society to be social in" 2005-07-04

"If you are a bloody dreamer why are you always afraid to fly
just becasue you fell once..
and becasue of the one who had no wings..." (not mine but an advice from a very dear friend back then) 2005-07-01

"I envy those who say they believe in the power of love, cuz i once did too, but love came to me, too soon and went away too soon, destroying my belief and changing me forever, never letting me believe in that power ever again" 2005-06-30

" I thought i lost you, but i didn't, you cannot lose something which was never yours in the first place" 2005-05-28

"Im livin in the memory of what could have been" 2005-05-25

"The only thing that matters in the world is to believe in yourself, but what will i believe in now, wen u were all my belief and now you're gone" 2005-05-24

Untitled Chapter 2

She got out of the shower and stared blankly at the cupboard wondering what to wear. Since it was a day in for her, with a possibility of maybe a walk in the park she put on a pair of black track pants and a plain purple colour T shirt. As she slipped on the T shirt, she paused for a moment and ran a finger over a stretch mark at the side of her lower waist. She felt conscious and wondered if Aaron noticed these things while making love to her and if it ever bothered him that his girlfriend was not a perfect plastic doll.Despite living with him for over a year now, she still wondered sometimes why they were together. Her insecurities and meaningless observations mostly came as a result of never having felt what it was like to be in a real relationship before this.

Her T shirt hugged her body slightly still leaving enough room for her to breathe. She let her hair open touching her neckline and pinned her flicks behind knowing she would be doing a lot of work today and could not afford to get distracted just to make her hair.

Amy sat down to work on her story. Her novel was progressing at a fair pace, she had the plot figured in her mind, but like every other time she got stuck just when she reached the middle of the story. This was her first attempt at writing a novel, even though she had written numerous short stories before, most of which got published as a part of collections or in magazines and journals. Her agent encouraged her to try something new because she believed Amy had what it takes to write a good novel. She knew what she always wanted to do but just did not know how.

During her intern days at Harper Collins about two years ago when she was still trying to figure out the publishing world she remembered how her belief in the fact that one instance can change your life grew even stronger. Amy remembered noticing her Asian co-worker who always seemed to be extra occupied with his work. Yet he was the first one to actually come up to her and start a conversation.

“So how do you like it so far?” he asked as he came over to her workstation.
“I don’t know, I mean I like it, I always wanted to work with a publishing house thought this would be the best way to start” she replied
“How old are you? 19 – 20? Still in uni I guess figuring out what to do?”
“Actually 24”
“What a complete jerk,” she thought to herself, “judging me without having the slightest idea about my life.”

She tried to snub him as often as possible ignoring him during meetings and often missing to mark him on important official emails. During the last week of her internship he asked if he could eat lunch with her. She hesitated at first but thought this was the last time she was seeing him anyway so she agreed. To her surprise it was a pleasant meeting and she was glad she agreed to see him. His name was Arnav Sheth. His parents moved to the UK when he was about 5 years old and he barely had any recollection of his life before that only knowing he grew up in some remote part in Bombay.

“Arnav, that’s such a nice name but how come your email carries a different one?”
“That’s because I prefer people calling me Aaron which is much easier on their tongues rather than getting my real name butchered. Ever since I started coming home crying after school after some bully making fun of my name and colour, my parents decided it was best to have an English name everyone could call me by” he replied as he took a bite of his sandwich.
“That explains the S.Aaron, I thought you were probably Spanish or Mexican or something” she teased him

Untitled Chapter 1

Amy wakes up in the morning to the noise of the fluttering of the leaves and feels a sudden chill rushing into the room. She gets up from the bed, grumpy, because mornings are not her favourite time of the day and because she is still suffering from lack of sleep - its deadline time. However as she gets to the window and opens her eyes she intakes every breath of air inside her letting it consume her from within. Somehow it fills her with a passion she had long forgotten existed in her. It was the simple pleasures of life - air, which she had forgotten to feel when it touched against her face and body. How it felt to look outside on a crisp fall morning in October, no matter how dark or grey the sky was. As she draws the blinds up to close the window, she pauses for a moment to look at the people across the road, whose day has already begun. Men and women going to work with Ipods plugged into their ears and a cup of coffee in one hand, is the one sight she missed seeing the most during her 10 months stay back home in India two years ago. Children rushing to school with parents running behind them, people out on job interviews, students rushing on part time jobs, packed stations, buses, roads - oh how she missed it all.

The 10 minute morning scene gives her enough sense of accomplishment and purpose to get through the day. She decided to keep the window open, draw up the blinds and fill her 1 bedroom flat in Hammersmith with light.

As the water for her tea heated, she heads towards the living room adjoining the kitchen. The flat is cozy enough leaving no space or corner abandoned. It’s mostly done in shades of brown and forest green with a blend of modern and conventional interiors. The living room is a space filled with two book cabinets, across a very low fire mantle, which is mostly for just decoration because heaters solve the same purpose. A big low sofa lies on the exact opposite end with large throw cushions on either sides of it. The wall above the mantle piece is done in a light shade of green – on which rests a 42” LCD, which came free with the flat, a luxury Amy otherwise, would not have been able to afford. Her workstation is a small table, placed next to the fire place. It is a space enough for her to keep her laptop, reading glasses, the present book she is reading and a couple of cigarettes, which she insists help her think while she writes. A couple of photographs hang on the walls, mostly of places she’s traveled to. Photographs and memories close to her heart are only placed in her bedroom. She takes her laptop, her glasses and a cigarette and heads towards the sofa, placing everything on the coffee table in front of her. She lights her cigarette and opens her laptop.

Aashima Sharma - every time she logs in and sees this user name it floods her with such an intense rush of nostalgia which brings back the memories of days gone by as if it was yesterday in her hometown.

But this was her home now.

Her last night’s document is still open on which she was working till 3 am in the morning. Before she even opens to check if there’s any email from her editor complaining about deadlines, she logs onto the social networking site on which the whole world is now hooked on. As much as she continues to deny she still wanted to know what was happening with everyone, in London and especially back in India. She had not broken those ties intentionally, part of it was growing up, part of it was disappointment and mostly in everyone around her. But she knew it was not her position to blame because it was she who stopped trusting everyone. Everyone included some of her closest friends and family - whatever little she had left of most of it which included just her parents and a brother 8 years older than her who lived with his Italian wife in the UK too.

At 26, she was her own person.

The biggest reason for losing those connections was her own insecurity and over sensitivity mainly because she got hurt very easily by anybody , and she knew it.
Over the years she had mastered the art of keeping everything inside her because she thought if she did say anything it only hurt her back. She felt left out in almost everything everyone around her was doing. She started having differences of opinion with almost all the people around her. Part of it was also frustration because in her heart she knew she was not at all happy to be back home after completing her Masters in Literature at Brunel. Despite what she was going through inside, Amy was one person everyone knew was always smiling and happy. She had perfected the art of hiding over the years. She was the one playing agony aunt for most of her girlfriends when it was her who had suffered for 3 years over a cheating boyfriend and had almost stopped believing in men in general. She was almost always taken for being the uptight, progressive, independent, don’t give a damn attitude girl, whereas in her heart she knew she always gave a damn and perhaps too much of it, which was why she wanted to be her own person, do things she liked and make a living with what she loved, not be affected by broken promises and be around people who let her be herself. Despite being someone who loved having fun and people around her always she gradually and slowly managed to sift everyone only letting in one or two people who she was almost certain of. She took solace in her loneliness, somehow. Not having to care for anyone and for the ones she did, she gave it her whole heart and soul.

The page loaded with notifications of people’s constantly changing relationship statuses – from being single to engaged, engaged to married. This never stopped amusing her, because till date she only kept her profile as limited as possible on information she was giving out to the world. Those who mattered to her were updated on her life as she was on theirs and didn’t require them to login to know what was happening with her. She wondered if all those users really stopped to think for a moment how many people in the world they were giving access to about their lives?

As she put on her reading glasses and waited for her tea to brew, she emptied the beer cans which were still lying on the kitchen counter and an empty bottle of Gallo White Zinfandel into the trash. This was her favourite wine, cheap and cheerful.

That was a good night.

She took her tea in the same mug she had been using for the last 5 years; she had bought on one of her visits to London at the Disney store here in Hammersmith’s shopping center at the tube station.

She then headed toward the small bay window seat on the opposite side of the kitchen adjoining the end of the living room, her favourite place in the whole flat. It overlooked the backyard, which though not well tendered still gave enough of a view for her to unwind and feel at peace.

She heard the shower stop and after 10 minutes the bathroom door opened.

It was Aaron.

He was tall enough at 5 feet 10 inches, dressed in a pair of dark denim jeans and a grey stripped white shirt which was usual not tucked in. He was medium built - not very athletic though he liked a usual run in the park just as she did, with his dark brown hair still wet and dripping on the wooden floor below. She looked at him and thought white was definitely his colour complementing his even tanned brown skin.
“Good morning”, she smiled.
He saw her sitting in her usual place as he came toward the kitchen preparing a cup of coffee for him and replied “I hope I didn’t wake you up”

“Yeah I think I crashed at about 3, as far as I can remember, damn Emily and her deadlines trying to scare me every time”
He walked toward her with his cup in his hand, and hugged her from behind. Her slender figure, which was mostly lack of food, lack of time to prepare food and too much walking, fit perfectly against his body. He took the cigarette from her hand, “Isn’t it too early in the day for you? You’re not even drinking”

She tried to snatch it back, but he held it up “You’re the one who got me hooked onto these things! Besides they help me think”.
“Starting tomorrow, I’m quitting so are you”
“Yeah yeah whatever” she said as she took it back from him

It was already 8:15 and he was running late for work. He worked as a Junior Marketing Manager at one of the biggest publishing houses in London.

He held her close and kissed her lips softly “I’ll see you in the evening”. He grabbed his jacket and Ipod from the table next to the main door and let himself out.

“Have a good day and I’ll try and miss you” she said jokingly.

It was a mid week off for Amy from her part time job, working as a marketing consultant at a local college. The job gave her enough sense of duty and paid her bills when she was not writing.

She decided to spend sometime by herself and work on her story today.

Memories

I do not understand this term
It always has a bittersweet sort of a connotation attached to it. Memories consist of a package of your life you have so far lived. The good the bad the ugly the pretty experiences, beliefs , words and thoughts. And sometimes you need to want to run away from everything and wish you could start all over again. Your memories teach you a lot , yet how often do we actually learn from them? Are they actually supposed to teach you something or do they just form this part of your past you lived?
I find myself pondering over years of friendships made and lost, relationships, family everything. Every memory has a memory attached to it. Is it ever possible to leave everything behind , forget everything and move on ever? Can we ever really detach ourselves from our beings? Sometimes, a lesson taught in a memory makes you wanna leave that part of your life and stop creating more of the same.

What happens when you decide you do not want more memories?

NORMAL

Something by Coelho, he never ceases to amaze me

1] Anything that makes us forget our true identity and our dreams and makes us only work to produce and reproduce.

2] Making rules for a war (the Geneva Convention).

3] Spending years at university and then not being able to find a job.

4] Working from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon at something that does not give us the least pleasure, so that we can retire after 30 years.

5] Retiring only to discover that we have no more energy to enjoy life, and then dying of boredom after a few years.

6] Using Botox.

7] Trying to be financially successful instead of seeking happiness.

8] Ridiculing those who seek happiness instead of money by calling them “people with no ambition”.

9] Comparing objects like cars, houses and clothes, and defining life according to these comparisons instead of really trying to find out the true reason for being alive.

10] Not talking to strangers. Saying nasty things about our neighbors.

11] Thinking that parents are always right.

12] Getting married, having children and staying together even though the love has gone, claiming that it’s for the sake of the children (who do not seem to be listening to the constant arguments).

12ª] Criticizing everybody who tries to be different.

14] Waking up with a hysterical alarm-clock at the bedside.

15] Believing absolutely everything that is printed.

16] Wearing a piece of colored cloth wrapped around the neck for no apparent reason and known by the pompous name “necktie”.

17] Never asking direct questions, even though the other person understands what you want to know.

18] Keeping a smile on your face when you really want to cry. And feeling sorry for those who show their own feelings.

19] Thinking that art is worth a fortune, or else that it is worth absolutely nothing.

20] Always despising what was easily gained, because the “necessary sacrifice” – and therefore also the required qualities – are missing.

21] Following fashion, even though it all looks ridiculous and uncomfortable.

22] Being convinced that all the famous people have tons of money saved up.

23] Investing a lot in exterior beauty and paying little attention to interior beauty.

24] Using all possible means to show that even though you are a normal person, you are infinitely superior to other human beings.

25] In any kind of public transport, never looking straight into the eyes of the other passengers, as this may be taken for attempting to seduce them.

26] When you enter an elevator, looking straight at the door and pretending you are the only person inside, however crowded it may be.

27] Never laughing out loud in a restaurant, no matter how funny the story is.

28] In the Northern hemisphere, always wearing the clothes that match the season of the year: short sleeves in springtime (however cold it may be) and a woolen jacket in the fall (no matter how warm it is).

29] In the Southern hemisphere, decorating the Christmas tree with cotton wool, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.

30] As you grow older, thinking you are the wisest man in the world, even though not always do you have enough life experience to know what is wrong.

31] Going to a charity event and thinking that in this way you have collaborated enough to put an end to all the social inequalities in the world.

32] Eating three times a day, even if you’re not hungry.

33] Believing that the others are always better at everything: they are better-looking, more resourceful, richer and more intelligent. Since it’s very risky to venture beyond your own limits, it’s better to do nothing.

34] Using the car as a way to feel powerful and in control of the world.

35] Using foul language in traffic.

36] Thinking that everything your child does wrong is the fault of the company he or she is keeping.

37] Marrying the first person who offers you a position in society. Love can wait.

38] Always saying “I tried”, even though you haven’t tried at all.

39] Putting off doing the most interesting things in life until you no longer have the strength to do them.

40] Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.

41] Believing that it is possible to be sure of everything you have won.

42] Thinking that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior decoration.

43] Blaming the government for everything bad that happens.

44] Being convinced that being a good, decent and respectful person means that the others will find you weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

45] Being convinced that aggressiveness and discourtesy in treating others are signs of a powerful personality.

46] Being afraid of fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).

47] And finally, thinking that your religion is the sole proprietor of the absolute truth, the most important, the best, and that the other human beings in this immense planet who believe in any other manifestation of God are condemned to the fires of hel

Need?

Why do we have an incessant need of being needed? Or is it just me? i've often wondered , someone like who enjoys their own company the most still craves being liked and wanted by everyone else. It's more got to do with control issues of needs and being needed than love or like for someone?
Yet i fail to put across a simple line forward when someone comes and hurts me right in the face and move on pretending nothing ever happened. No, i cannot go on like this from now. I - deserve an explanation and answers for things i never did (or at least i think so). Does every relationship have an end? Be it friendship, family your old school mates, uni mates, best friends? We often fall out for reasons unknown and mostly because neither of the people ever felt the need to 'sort it out'. We accept silence as the answer. We accept non confrontation as normal, we accept ego as self respect. But is self respect worth someone's hurt? Is moving on always the answer? Knowing in your heart, you had a chance and yet you know there is nothing you can really do about it. In situations like these I wonder, how useful the term 'life is short' really is? Because sometimes if you bother, more often it would be the other does not even care enough. I'm pressing myself so hard not too care too much, but i fail, for i care. I care because i deserve an explanation, I care because i just care. Is that reason enough?
The dilemma i am really caught in right now is what would 'normal' really be? What have we as a society as humans accepeted as normal is REALLY NORMAL. Is this how things usually end? One fine day your friend wakes up and decides to hurt you like a bitch and its over.