Only when im happy

So i've made a promise to myself. After writing these numerous morbid posts, I will only come back to write once im a little settled and happy with everything around me.

I don't know the reason for my discontent with everything around me. Most of which includes people - all types close friends, acquaintances, relatives, and so on - you get the drift? Yes my soul needs more food and more thinking to be able to reason rationally with everything and more importantly be unaffected by it all. Though this words unaffected always reminds me of the Ostrich Syndrome - bury ur head and you think your problems are gone, living in ignorance ( i despise such beings myself). So will i turn into one of these or will I find the power to deal with it while caring and not ignoring? I'm only 23.

But my soul craves for a lot more. So hopefully the next post shall be more entertaining, fruitful, insightful and happy.

The most haunting time of my life

- Where i actually believed people could change sigh. I'd say 'All bad things come to an end"

Written 30th November 2008 - 15 days new to the workplace.

Will not forgive will not forget
You continued to make a fool of me
While there I believed in something else
My heart bleeds a thousand cuts not for the pain you caused, but because you ran
Ran away from everything, which I thought in my mind you and I were creating

Will not forgive will not forget
Because this time it simply was not hurt but betrayal more betrayal
Which you admitted without any shame and with me to blame
Hate consumes you in the end, and therefore it is not what I will resort to
My heart grows weaker at the sight of you the sound of you,
But what breaks it into pieces, is the thought of what you were capable of
Capable of hurt, betrayal and cheat
You were all I created in the past months, only to know I was living a dream
While you out there were creating your own reality, not with me

Will not forgive will not forget
Because I know if I do
I will only open myself to more hurt and more betrayal
I still continue to love you, because it does not die so soon
The heart always opens itself to the wrong people
But I am not strong enough to deal with this anymore

New glasses new perspective?

So my number's increased a wee bit. And i got myself a pretty funky pair of glasses this time. As insane as it might sound, i feel the new glasses is a metaphor for my sudden (or overtime ya ya) change in perspective in the way i've deliberately decided to view situations. There does come a time in everyone's life where you really stop and re- evaluate every relationship around you. Yeah yeah I'm just 23, but hey life's not what it was at 18 now right? I wonder if these things are supposed to happen or are they just a consequence of one person's action which affects and takes into loop everyone's life around them.

I don't know the answer to that.

But after a lot of pondering and devouring myself into some meditation, i've come to the conclusion yes things are in your hands...no matter how bad a situation can get, your attitude and individual perspective does contribute to a whole lot of difference. I often heard a lot of people talking about 'living for urself' kind of stuff but never comprehended the literal meaning of it, or maybe i took it too literally as being utterly and completely selfish devoid of any emotion and not caring about anyone except yourself. However may i present to you a new member to the same club. Its not about not caring, its just about caring much more for yourself first. Everyone has a purpose in life and which is why we are all here. Man by nature is social but that does not mean you forget your own self and start depending and indulging in everyone else's life for your own existence. Unfortunately life does not give you the opportunity to go back and undo what happened wrong (as much as we live in the 21st? or 22nd? century sorry im pretty bad at this stuff) human beings still have yet to devise something which allows time travel (would be pretty funky tho aye?). So yeah IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU ONCE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LEARN FROM, BUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN ITS A JOKE. And the joke is not on anyone else but yourself, cuz you my friend failed to learn the first time.
There is a purpose for everyone who comes into your life but there is a purpose for your very existence as well. We only learn to be truly free - once we are at peace with ourselves.

I just realized i've finally mastered the art of becoming my very own shrink =)