Time is a test of faith and faith is a test of survival. Subconsciously so many of us know this deep deep inside of us, yet we wander away by the little trial and tribulations life brings in front of us. It is a debate i am struggling with myself and my inner self off late. I don't know if doing soul searching is a good thing or not but it almost always puts me in this sort of a dilemma of the present world survival and the future of forgiveness. As much as id like to believe in all what great saints have to say, so often we are faced with such choices in which we have to be selfish and unforgiving. And i guess if we were all forgiving and selfless we wouldn't really be here on earth in the first place, paying tribute to our sins and bearing the fruit of our karma past and present would we?
I want to be forgiving, i want to forget, yet how often are we faced with a question of self respect which somewhat borders on the line of egotism. It is a fine line which we have to draw for ourselves and no one else can say or do anythign about it. I've heard people say overcome a situation/circumstance and do not let the situation overcome you, but get real when you actually face shit in your face would you really care about becoming a change/overcoming or would you rather not first think about what YOU want to do at that very moment (revenge is the first word that comes to my mind). I also have to say I was not always like this, a self proclaimed positivist, who often gets swayed by the negativity around her would be a few words to describe me. I don't think constantly thinking about something and blowing a situation out of proportion is the key to solving any problem, but I have a solution which like me is pretty straight forward, its called say it or talk about it. I often find myself pining for this from others as well, because i can't beat around the bush i expect them not to do so either. But then again ive got caught in the web of expectations haven't i? This is also a form of subtle attachement to people, emotions and beings. But what do we do? Like I said earlier if we were all god we wouldn't really be here on earth in the first place rather be dwelling somewhere in heaven or jannat or whatever they call that place of eternal bliss. free of karmic crap which we have weaved for ourselves. I only seek to find certain answers to everyday questions, questions which come and stand in front of me everyday. I feel like a 4 year old child who wants to know the answer to every damn phenomena in this world. My questions are innocent, but the answers complicated which is why it is taking me so long to figure them out, ponder over them, seek them.
I want to find my eutopia
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Love? or not
I don't believe in LOVE. I believe its a fancy word which is often just misunderstood for a lot of other things, and even more often the sanctity of the emotion behind the word is just abused.
And yet i don't believe in love. I believe its a state of mind ( I will elaborate on this in my next post)
However I believe in respect. And I believe in relationships, sustaining them. If you see around yourself not all relationships are based on 'love' or whatever that feeling is. And the only way you can be around someone or value your relationship with them is if you have respect for them - the degree of which may vary. (Btw those of you who disagree and believe there are relationships without respect, this topic is not for the likes of two faced human beings out there :p) You don't necessarily love all your family, extended ones, friends, acquintances but you continue to live with them, be around them.
So there is respect and fondness in this world which in my belief if multiplied by 100 with some percentage of attraction constitutes 'love' - between men and woman or man and man or woman n woman (I have to be politically correct here)
As I said I belive love is merely a state of mind, which can easily fizzle out one fine day. But what is more important in life is respect, fondness and relationships and valuing them. Life is short keep people who you value, chuck out the ones who cause you much grief :)
And yet i don't believe in love. I believe its a state of mind ( I will elaborate on this in my next post)
However I believe in respect. And I believe in relationships, sustaining them. If you see around yourself not all relationships are based on 'love' or whatever that feeling is. And the only way you can be around someone or value your relationship with them is if you have respect for them - the degree of which may vary. (Btw those of you who disagree and believe there are relationships without respect, this topic is not for the likes of two faced human beings out there :p) You don't necessarily love all your family, extended ones, friends, acquintances but you continue to live with them, be around them.
So there is respect and fondness in this world which in my belief if multiplied by 100 with some percentage of attraction constitutes 'love' - between men and woman or man and man or woman n woman (I have to be politically correct here)
As I said I belive love is merely a state of mind, which can easily fizzle out one fine day. But what is more important in life is respect, fondness and relationships and valuing them. Life is short keep people who you value, chuck out the ones who cause you much grief :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Only when im happy
So i've made a promise to myself. After writing these numerous morbid posts, I will only come back to write once im a little settled and happy with everything around me.
I don't know the reason for my discontent with everything around me. Most of which includes people - all types close friends, acquaintances, relatives, and so on - you get the drift? Yes my soul needs more food and more thinking to be able to reason rationally with everything and more importantly be unaffected by it all. Though this words unaffected always reminds me of the Ostrich Syndrome - bury ur head and you think your problems are gone, living in ignorance ( i despise such beings myself). So will i turn into one of these or will I find the power to deal with it while caring and not ignoring? I'm only 23.
But my soul craves for a lot more. So hopefully the next post shall be more entertaining, fruitful, insightful and happy.
I don't know the reason for my discontent with everything around me. Most of which includes people - all types close friends, acquaintances, relatives, and so on - you get the drift? Yes my soul needs more food and more thinking to be able to reason rationally with everything and more importantly be unaffected by it all. Though this words unaffected always reminds me of the Ostrich Syndrome - bury ur head and you think your problems are gone, living in ignorance ( i despise such beings myself). So will i turn into one of these or will I find the power to deal with it while caring and not ignoring? I'm only 23.
But my soul craves for a lot more. So hopefully the next post shall be more entertaining, fruitful, insightful and happy.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The most haunting time of my life
- Where i actually believed people could change sigh. I'd say 'All bad things come to an end"
Written 30th November 2008 - 15 days new to the workplace.
Will not forgive will not forget
You continued to make a fool of me
While there I believed in something else
My heart bleeds a thousand cuts not for the pain you caused, but because you ran
Ran away from everything, which I thought in my mind you and I were creating
Will not forgive will not forget
Because this time it simply was not hurt but betrayal more betrayal
Which you admitted without any shame and with me to blame
Hate consumes you in the end, and therefore it is not what I will resort to
My heart grows weaker at the sight of you the sound of you,
But what breaks it into pieces, is the thought of what you were capable of
Capable of hurt, betrayal and cheat
You were all I created in the past months, only to know I was living a dream
While you out there were creating your own reality, not with me
Will not forgive will not forget
Because I know if I do
I will only open myself to more hurt and more betrayal
I still continue to love you, because it does not die so soon
The heart always opens itself to the wrong people
But I am not strong enough to deal with this anymore
Written 30th November 2008 - 15 days new to the workplace.
Will not forgive will not forget
You continued to make a fool of me
While there I believed in something else
My heart bleeds a thousand cuts not for the pain you caused, but because you ran
Ran away from everything, which I thought in my mind you and I were creating
Will not forgive will not forget
Because this time it simply was not hurt but betrayal more betrayal
Which you admitted without any shame and with me to blame
Hate consumes you in the end, and therefore it is not what I will resort to
My heart grows weaker at the sight of you the sound of you,
But what breaks it into pieces, is the thought of what you were capable of
Capable of hurt, betrayal and cheat
You were all I created in the past months, only to know I was living a dream
While you out there were creating your own reality, not with me
Will not forgive will not forget
Because I know if I do
I will only open myself to more hurt and more betrayal
I still continue to love you, because it does not die so soon
The heart always opens itself to the wrong people
But I am not strong enough to deal with this anymore
New glasses new perspective?
So my number's increased a wee bit. And i got myself a pretty funky pair of glasses this time. As insane as it might sound, i feel the new glasses is a metaphor for my sudden (or overtime ya ya) change in perspective in the way i've deliberately decided to view situations. There does come a time in everyone's life where you really stop and re- evaluate every relationship around you. Yeah yeah I'm just 23, but hey life's not what it was at 18 now right? I wonder if these things are supposed to happen or are they just a consequence of one person's action which affects and takes into loop everyone's life around them.
I don't know the answer to that.
But after a lot of pondering and devouring myself into some meditation, i've come to the conclusion yes things are in your hands...no matter how bad a situation can get, your attitude and individual perspective does contribute to a whole lot of difference. I often heard a lot of people talking about 'living for urself' kind of stuff but never comprehended the literal meaning of it, or maybe i took it too literally as being utterly and completely selfish devoid of any emotion and not caring about anyone except yourself. However may i present to you a new member to the same club. Its not about not caring, its just about caring much more for yourself first. Everyone has a purpose in life and which is why we are all here. Man by nature is social but that does not mean you forget your own self and start depending and indulging in everyone else's life for your own existence. Unfortunately life does not give you the opportunity to go back and undo what happened wrong (as much as we live in the 21st? or 22nd? century sorry im pretty bad at this stuff) human beings still have yet to devise something which allows time travel (would be pretty funky tho aye?). So yeah IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU ONCE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LEARN FROM, BUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN ITS A JOKE. And the joke is not on anyone else but yourself, cuz you my friend failed to learn the first time.
There is a purpose for everyone who comes into your life but there is a purpose for your very existence as well. We only learn to be truly free - once we are at peace with ourselves.
I just realized i've finally mastered the art of becoming my very own shrink =)
I don't know the answer to that.
But after a lot of pondering and devouring myself into some meditation, i've come to the conclusion yes things are in your hands...no matter how bad a situation can get, your attitude and individual perspective does contribute to a whole lot of difference. I often heard a lot of people talking about 'living for urself' kind of stuff but never comprehended the literal meaning of it, or maybe i took it too literally as being utterly and completely selfish devoid of any emotion and not caring about anyone except yourself. However may i present to you a new member to the same club. Its not about not caring, its just about caring much more for yourself first. Everyone has a purpose in life and which is why we are all here. Man by nature is social but that does not mean you forget your own self and start depending and indulging in everyone else's life for your own existence. Unfortunately life does not give you the opportunity to go back and undo what happened wrong (as much as we live in the 21st? or 22nd? century sorry im pretty bad at this stuff) human beings still have yet to devise something which allows time travel (would be pretty funky tho aye?). So yeah IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU ONCE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LEARN FROM, BUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN ITS A JOKE. And the joke is not on anyone else but yourself, cuz you my friend failed to learn the first time.
There is a purpose for everyone who comes into your life but there is a purpose for your very existence as well. We only learn to be truly free - once we are at peace with ourselves.
I just realized i've finally mastered the art of becoming my very own shrink =)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Conspiracy
It was like a snowball effect. Everything kept rolling together more and more.
Almost as if everything she believed in once, turned against her, or perhaps was never there. The less she tried to think about it , the more it happened. She didn't know what was happening, where to go, who to turn to?
Her beliefs were playing against her. It was like a consipiracy, where everything turned against her.
It broke her from the inside more than she ever knew. The power it had over her, she had never felt until now.
She wanted to close all the doors and windows. Allowing absolutely no one to enter in. She wanted to hide under her blanket forever till it disappeared. But she saw it coming towards her. The more it came closer , the clearer she could see. It was everything she had once - dreams, beliefs, hopes, memories, lives. But they had all decided to turn against her, collectively. She knew not what her fault was. Perhaps if they had been more clear in defining the games of the rules. She never went by rules anyway. She made her own. Perhaps this was payback time.
It came closer and closer, wanting to absorb her , this time she was not strong enough. Her strength was also consipring against her. It had betrayed her like everyone and everything else.
And then it sucked her in absorbed her - like the power of the black hole, unknown into its unfathomable depths.
Almost as if everything she believed in once, turned against her, or perhaps was never there. The less she tried to think about it , the more it happened. She didn't know what was happening, where to go, who to turn to?
Her beliefs were playing against her. It was like a consipiracy, where everything turned against her.
It broke her from the inside more than she ever knew. The power it had over her, she had never felt until now.
She wanted to close all the doors and windows. Allowing absolutely no one to enter in. She wanted to hide under her blanket forever till it disappeared. But she saw it coming towards her. The more it came closer , the clearer she could see. It was everything she had once - dreams, beliefs, hopes, memories, lives. But they had all decided to turn against her, collectively. She knew not what her fault was. Perhaps if they had been more clear in defining the games of the rules. She never went by rules anyway. She made her own. Perhaps this was payback time.
It came closer and closer, wanting to absorb her , this time she was not strong enough. Her strength was also consipring against her. It had betrayed her like everyone and everything else.
And then it sucked her in absorbed her - like the power of the black hole, unknown into its unfathomable depths.
Over the Years - Quotes
"I see my belief being broken down everyday into tiny pieces of the mirror,
the mirror which once reflected the belief of love in each other,
now cuts my heart and bleeds it with its broken pieces" 2006-10-15
"All i wanted was to talk to you n hear you speak, i wanted ur words to give me some hope or the hope of the joy of our past, the hope for me to move on. But it was your silence which spoke everything and gave me my answers and closure" 2006-08-15
"Life is as complex or simple as we make it.reality lies not in the truth or wat is wrong or right but how is it that u percieve it and wat u make out of it" 2006-05-31
"Sweet memories put a smile on our face n yet leave us yearnin to go bak to where they were made.we forget to live in d moment when they wer being made n only realize wat theyre worth wen its too late" 2006-02-16
"Life u know never know when it leaves u, but death at least u know its gunna be there for u" 2005-08-04
"Im not antisocial, i just need the right society to be social in" 2005-07-04
"If you are a bloody dreamer why are you always afraid to fly
just becasue you fell once..
and becasue of the one who had no wings..." (not mine but an advice from a very dear friend back then) 2005-07-01
"I envy those who say they believe in the power of love, cuz i once did too, but love came to me, too soon and went away too soon, destroying my belief and changing me forever, never letting me believe in that power ever again" 2005-06-30
" I thought i lost you, but i didn't, you cannot lose something which was never yours in the first place" 2005-05-28
"Im livin in the memory of what could have been" 2005-05-25
"The only thing that matters in the world is to believe in yourself, but what will i believe in now, wen u were all my belief and now you're gone" 2005-05-24
the mirror which once reflected the belief of love in each other,
now cuts my heart and bleeds it with its broken pieces" 2006-10-15
"All i wanted was to talk to you n hear you speak, i wanted ur words to give me some hope or the hope of the joy of our past, the hope for me to move on. But it was your silence which spoke everything and gave me my answers and closure" 2006-08-15
"Life is as complex or simple as we make it.reality lies not in the truth or wat is wrong or right but how is it that u percieve it and wat u make out of it" 2006-05-31
"Sweet memories put a smile on our face n yet leave us yearnin to go bak to where they were made.we forget to live in d moment when they wer being made n only realize wat theyre worth wen its too late" 2006-02-16
"Life u know never know when it leaves u, but death at least u know its gunna be there for u" 2005-08-04
"Im not antisocial, i just need the right society to be social in" 2005-07-04
"If you are a bloody dreamer why are you always afraid to fly
just becasue you fell once..
and becasue of the one who had no wings..." (not mine but an advice from a very dear friend back then) 2005-07-01
"I envy those who say they believe in the power of love, cuz i once did too, but love came to me, too soon and went away too soon, destroying my belief and changing me forever, never letting me believe in that power ever again" 2005-06-30
" I thought i lost you, but i didn't, you cannot lose something which was never yours in the first place" 2005-05-28
"Im livin in the memory of what could have been" 2005-05-25
"The only thing that matters in the world is to believe in yourself, but what will i believe in now, wen u were all my belief and now you're gone" 2005-05-24
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